It’s nothing short of a Christmas miracle, you see, that around this time every year when the quiet mist of the night has found that perfect petal on which to rest it’s cool misty self, when the stars (ever so bright) nestle softly into the deep black of the night, and when the mighty heavens align themselves with the Vatican itself, a strange phenomena occurs that changes the course of the entire world.

Hark! It must be God who takes his mighty hands and plunges them into his own chest, ripping open his ribcage, and exposing his heart so that it can give birth to the tinniest of tiny little angels– healer of all nasty unchistmasy wounds. This creature, this blinding light masquerading in little child form, is brought from the core of perfection and sent straight down to Earth aback a purple feather tethered tightly to twelve mighty narwhals with twenty foot crystal horns and peppermint candy flippers. A mother nearly as fortunate as Mary herself is then blessed with the joy that is giving birth to and subsequently raising this joyous majesty.

Likewise, every so often a screenwriter, gifted beyond all earthly recognition, is made savvy to such a child
(probably by JC himself come to think of it) who inspires him to write a movie– ney, an amazing movie– starring just such a prodigy. A movie born from such conditions can only be titled something amazing like “The Bestest movie in the Universe” or “If God Could Make a Movie He Would Make This One”….or how about “The Ultimate Gift”? A movie like this will defy all conventional requirements for being picked up, like being watchable, and will proceed to magically find it’s way into production, distribution, and eventually Christmas plane rides all over the United States…like mine to Delaware. If you’ve no love in your soul for a played out, cliche, trite, over acted, poorly acted, is that acting?, insulting-to-your-intellect, emotionally void movies then…you’ll HATE this one too. Maybe you’d write about it like I am.

Now, it’s no secret that I hate children in movies. Movies for kids are one thing, but children in grown up movies are infuriating unless it’s a movie called “Movie About People Who Don’t Have Human Emotions or Growth Patterns (I’m over using the comic-movie-title-that’s-just-further-rhetoric here aren’t I) “. In that case I would say out loud “Ok, I’m not going to see this because even though I know people can’t be mutants or journey to Middle Earth I expect to be able to connect or identify with the characters of a fictional story on a real emotional level, and I’ve never met children who are able to understand complex adult relationships with the calm and precision of an 80 year old monk, so shut the F up little cancer kid you’re the worst part of this movie.” It’s a cheap cheap worthless trick to play on your instinctual love of children, and throwing cancer on top of it is like pissing on your face and then slapping you with your own hand repeatedly just to rub it in. As far as sassy stupid children characters go, who wants to listen to a tiny asshole?

Still, it surprised me when I recovered from the initial illness enough and I looked this hate crime on film up on IMDB to discover that the dainty little magnificence that plays the title role of sassy brassy sick cancer girl is actually Abigail Breslin, child actress extraordinaire from the popular film “Little Miss Sunshine”. Equally as surprising to me is that I hadn’t realized until that point that this little girl didn’t bother me much at all in that film, and in general I kinda liked the movie. But not this one:

You know what my dream is? I wish Santa brought me a magic wood chipper that I could take to your house, fictional cancer girl, drop you in and out would come little Christmas tree shaped peeps that I could microwave and laugh at as they grew and grew. After the creative writing exercise I just went through to insult dead cancer girl (yeah she dies in the end, sorry I ruined it for you NOT) in the opening of this post, I don’t have the energy to make an intelligible argument against the film, so I’ll quote the level headed drew23 over at the IMDB forums:

Think whatever you want, but be ashamed for saying this is a good movie just because it has a good message. A good message doesn’t make a good movie. You people obviously don’t know how to separate the two, which shows what you really know about what makes a good movie. Try learning the difference, then rate this joke (despite the poorly done “good message”) movie for what it deserves.

Thank you drew23, thank you.

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