It’s nothing short of a Christmas miracle, you see, that around this time every year when the quiet mist of the night has found that perfect petal on which to rest it’s cool misty self, when the stars (ever so bright) nestle softly into the deep black of the night, and when the mighty heavens align themselves with the Vatican itself, a strange phenomena occurs that changes the course of the entire world.

Hark! It must be God who takes his mighty hands and plunges them into his own chest, ripping open his ribcage, and exposing his heart so that it can give birth to the tinniest of tiny little angels– healer of all nasty unchistmasy wounds. This creature, this blinding light masquerading in little child form, is brought from the core of perfection and sent straight down to Earth aback a purple feather tethered tightly to twelve mighty narwhals with twenty foot crystal horns and peppermint candy flippers. A mother nearly as fortunate as Mary herself is then blessed with the joy that is giving birth to and subsequently raising this joyous majesty.

Likewise, every so often a screenwriter, gifted beyond all earthly recognition, is made savvy to such a child
(probably by JC himself come to think of it) who inspires him to write a movie– ney, an amazing movie– starring just such a prodigy. A movie born from such conditions can only be titled something amazing like “The Bestest movie in the Universe” or “If God Could Make a Movie He Would Make This One”….or how about “The Ultimate Gift”? A movie like this will defy all conventional requirements for being picked up, like being watchable, and will proceed to magically find it’s way into production, distribution, and eventually Christmas plane rides all over the United States…like mine to Delaware. If you’ve no love in your soul for a played out, cliche, trite, over acted, poorly acted, is that acting?, insulting-to-your-intellect, emotionally void movies then…you’ll HATE this one too. Maybe you’d write about it like I am.

Now, it’s no secret that I hate children in movies. Movies for kids are one thing, but children in grown up movies are infuriating unless it’s a movie called “Movie About People Who Don’t Have Human Emotions or Growth Patterns (I’m over using the comic-movie-title-that’s-just-further-rhetoric here aren’t I) “. In that case I would say out loud “Ok, I’m not going to see this because even though I know people can’t be mutants or journey to Middle Earth I expect to be able to connect or identify with the characters of a fictional story on a real emotional level, and I’ve never met children who are able to understand complex adult relationships with the calm and precision of an 80 year old monk, so shut the F up little cancer kid you’re the worst part of this movie.” It’s a cheap cheap worthless trick to play on your instinctual love of children, and throwing cancer on top of it is like pissing on your face and then slapping you with your own hand repeatedly just to rub it in. As far as sassy stupid children characters go, who wants to listen to a tiny asshole?

Still, it surprised me when I recovered from the initial illness enough and I looked this hate crime on film up on IMDB to discover that the dainty little magnificence that plays the title role of sassy brassy sick cancer girl is actually Abigail Breslin, child actress extraordinaire from the popular film “Little Miss Sunshine”. Equally as surprising to me is that I hadn’t realized until that point that this little girl didn’t bother me much at all in that film, and in general I kinda liked the movie. But not this one:

You know what my dream is? I wish Santa brought me a magic wood chipper that I could take to your house, fictional cancer girl, drop you in and out would come little Christmas tree shaped peeps that I could microwave and laugh at as they grew and grew. After the creative writing exercise I just went through to insult dead cancer girl (yeah she dies in the end, sorry I ruined it for you NOT) in the opening of this post, I don’t have the energy to make an intelligible argument against the film, so I’ll quote the level headed drew23 over at the IMDB forums:

Think whatever you want, but be ashamed for saying this is a good movie just because it has a good message. A good message doesn’t make a good movie. You people obviously don’t know how to separate the two, which shows what you really know about what makes a good movie. Try learning the difference, then rate this joke (despite the poorly done “good message”) movie for what it deserves.

Thank you drew23, thank you.

MERRY CHRISTMAS THEN.

One of the many subjects that never fails to
a) get me mad and then
b) write about it and then
c) catch shit for it on the internet followed by
d) a four year interval at the end of which I question my understanding of it and then
e) begin once again is this: the ultimate battle of humankind– it’s the epic men vs. women…well, lets call it “what do women want from men and vice versa”…war.

In the past I’ve been set off by AIM profiles, overheard conversations, magazine articles…whatever, really. I like to fight (because I’m a maN?) This time it was something I found on Digg:

Web MD’s 11 “Don’t-Tell-the-Wife” Secrets all Men Keep

Read it if you like, but it’s just like any other article that you’ve ever read about the subject. Naturally it’s the guide to men that piss me off more than the guide to women because all guides to women are 100% accurate and if they aren’t how should I know anyway.

What I do know is that while I’ve gone tearing through item by item on many lists like this one in the past the real concentrated extract of this issue that I want to focus on more than anything is the idea common to all these articles: that all men adhere to a set universal laws. Take the sports law, for example whydontcha– is there really a part of my male brain set aside for the sole purpose of sports statistics collection? That’s a pretty dubious claim if you ask me suckkkaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously one (i.e. I) could go on forever with examples, but I think it’s clear from the start that if we’re going to go ahead with this idea that free will exists and whatever than the only limitations we have are paradoxical: why can’t I jump fifty feet over a wall without any help, for instance. You can’t because you can’t.

Everything else is up to each of us, and while trends and patters exist, blanket statements, limited lists, and general statements aren’t any good in practical application.

But that isn’t really what guts me on the topic (oh yes, I really take it to the next level here justyouwaitandsee). The real intention for these lists, as far as I can see, is to create a set of common expectations so that we don’t have to spend time getting to know one another. With a list in mind of what women or men are suppose to be like we can be confident that few are unique and the rest are pre-understood. Furthermore, we can use our stereotypes for our own benefit– I’m messy because I’m a guy, you’re into candles because you’re a girl…or whatever it is that we do. Shut up, you totally hear me on this.

When I was in high school I had an AIM profile war with a girl over the fact (yes, fact) that men are less emotionally influenced than women. She didn’t like that, but it was just her emotions flaring up, if you think about it.

Oh hey, look at you at my website and whatnot. Come here often? I don’t either, I’m too busy reading interesting stuff on the internet to stop by for the most part. That and working.

The site is where I premiere finished things– movies, ideas, the funny– but these days I have less and less time and more and more to do. All this indicates a good month down the road when everything is finished, so until then I’ll do my best to find something fun to put up here.

For starters I’ll make the first mention of my new animated series tentatively titled “Dark Space Mission”. Here’s the first look at a couple of the character designs:

I won’t say too much about it, but I think the first of 4 or 5 parts will be out in February (? I’m gonna go on record saying that, but we’ll see) and it will star the voice talents of at least Scott Gairdner and Ryan Mitchell.

Anyway, more wit and charm later, that’s all for now.