Katie mailed me a craigslist posting…

Four adorable kittens, ready to adopt and virtually free to good homes! 8 weeks old w/shots and spay/neuter certificates! Here’s a photo of one, but all look alike. Please call…

I have a sweet dream where I capture a cat beast and give it a condescending name like “Goose-step”, “Professor Spotty Boy”, or “Mr. Bootsause”. As a small kitten I would tease it constantly with loving yells and frightening noises so it would develop a sharp sense of fighting. I’d build him a cat house and when he wasn’t looking I’d paint graffiti on it that would insult his heritage or virility. Ohhh, Mr Bootsause, I would build you a strong character. There would be a long stretch in the beginning of our relationship where you would constantly attempt escape only to find I’ve outsmarted you once again. You would become familiar with many clever cat-traps that would result in your ugly puss face bound up in a cat-bag that only I could let you out of– if I felt like it.

That would be only the first of many insults I would delight in laying on the pet. In fact, everything else would be done only in preparation for the ultimate goal: to dress this cat in clothes that he neither wants to wear nor looks good in. Mr Bootsause! Your little kitty arms poking out through the rolls of garments tied around you securely would be photographed in so many different ways and seen so frequently on the internets. How many captions would I be able to conjure…10…20…hundreds? Your sole purpose in my house (because I will never let you know that there is an existence beyond my domain) will be to serve my random cat related whims. I would make movies where you talk to me and I tell you to shut up. I would finish making it and then tell you to shut up even if you weren’t making a sound.

Such a cat would be so lucky.

But I can’t have hims. He would probably ruin my stuff with urine and jump up on my computer stuff and scratch it. The house would smell like cat or cat deification and if he shed his hair would be everywhere. The food would cost money and we’d have to tell Marty.

Damnit, cat.

What if he looked like this tho:

That would totally be worth it. That cat is so goddamned ugly.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 18th, 2007 at 10:38 pm and is filed under Blogroll. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.